Entry #3: Leaving a Decade Behind
This photo shows side by side pictures of me with a decade in between.
The Decade of Finding Strength
This past decade had been one I am choosing to leave behind. It will always be a part of me, but it served it’s purpose and strengthened my soul. I discovered a lot about myself and the ones I chose to surround myself. I touched on a few things in my Entry #1 post, but I am using this post to dive deeper into the decade with you. This is my decade of finding strength.
2010 - I was a Junior in High School being diagnosed with Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Trichotillomania (TTM). I was very emotional and very overdramatic and because loosing my hair in High School was “just the worst” I self medicated with alcohol. Summer of 2010 into my senior year I stopped drinking -cold turkey- and became a ball of anxiety, insecurities, and paranoia. I put all the energy I once had in alcohol and dumped it on my -at the time- boyfriend. We really weren’t great for each other, but it was “young love.” To put things into prospective for you - over the course of 2 years we had broken up 13 times. It was toxic on both sides.
My senior year started in August 2010, but December 2010 changed the years direction completely. During one of the “breakups” I started going to school early to tutor people in Math, and ended up going on one date with a guy that I ultimately friend zoned -nevertheless- the “ex” boyfriend found out about the date and got really jealous and didn’t want me to continue tutoring him. I didn’t listen, so the poor guy got a knee to the face because he was sitting in my “exes” spot. Due to the on-again off-again nature of the relationship the rumor around school was that I was openly cheating and throwing it in his face and according to that logic I was the one that should have deserved the violent outburst. {I do agree that I should have never gone out with this guy or at the very least taken the tutoring session elsewhere after I knew my “ex” was jealous, but NOBODY ever deserves to have their teeth knocked out over High School drama.} Now a days this event isn’t even on anybodies minds, but this stuck with me not because of the year long bullying, but because it’s the time I can pinpoint my bad decisions (specifically with guys).
2011- This year was touch on greatly (but vaguely) in Entry#1, but let’s jump into the mental aspect of it all. June 2011, I entered a very toxic relationship knowing fully that I was not in the best headspace to be with anybody. I was broken already, but this relationship skewed the way I saw the world around me and most importantly the way I saw myself. It was drilled into my head that I did everything wrong. I wasn’t allowed to talk to or even look men in the eyes. I was being emotionally blackmailed and physically hurt by a man that I thought might rescue me from the burden of feeling alone and unwanted. {NOBODY should ever enter a relationship because you’re scared to be alone.} The relationship only lasted 8 months, but the abuse kept. He went to the University; he lived on my campus. He was there when I got out of classes… in the dining hall, in the bookstore, outside my dorm - which was girls only. He told people that I was crazy, obsessed and went as far to say I asked him to hit me. Girls in my dorm shunned me, people on campus stared, and there was a never ending whisper. It was like my senior year never ended and this time I couldn’t go home to escape it, because I lived it. The paranoia grew worse. The insecurities were endless. I was in a constant cycle of negativity and toxicity. This was a very dark period of my life that I felt I couldn’t escape and the problem was that if I showed anyone how I was really feeling or sent out the slightest S.O.S, he and his friends hurt me. There was always an eye watching or an ear listening.
Mid-Fall semester 2012 - I was admitted into the East Central Mental Health Hospital for suicide watch by the Dean of Students and proceeded in their outpatient therapy program with the conditions that I must not live alone and I must go to therapy twice a day until stated otherwise.
I never opened up about the abuse.
2013 - My abuser left campus (ended up bettering himself) and I was released from the outpatient program. I found my love for advocacy.
2014 - I found God, got baptized Assemblies of God, and lost my faith. This is a part of my life that I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to talk about publicly, but my loss of faith was due to a church related trauma. I’ll just note that I started a new relationship. It was one billion percent healthier, but my loss in faith was ultimately the thing that made us not work.
New Year’s Eve 2015 - relationship ended.
2016 - I graduated college! Rebound guy got deployed. I fell back into a deep depression where I spent 7 months either at work or in my closet (literally). My computer desk was in the closet, but I would physically shut myself in only coming out for food, hygiene, work and occasionally family. I don’t think this depression had anything to do with the rebound guy, but more the fact that I now needed to be happy -alone-.
November 2016, I got a job! 800 miles away. It was my fresh start. December 2016, I moved to Austin, TX for an amazing opportunity to kick start my career as a professional Graphic Designer.
2017 - I told myself that I would not be the hermit that I had been the last 7 months and I wasn’t. I joined MeetUp.com and met so many new people. I was lively, energetic, and a hyped up version of myself. I made so many new friends -BUT- I wasn’t being myself. I showed them the version of me that I wished I was. The girl that is always happy, but when I was alone… I was the opposite. I barely made enough effort to take my dog outside to go potty. I never let anybody come to my apartment, because my dished sat in mold. I did however learn to shield my heart …until my stalker came around.
I made a Tinder profile. I didn’t take it seriously, but there was one guy that I gave my real number too. We talked for a while before I’d meet him in person. He seemed like a genuine guy. Then one day he invited me to his apartment and wouldn’t let me leave. I was still fully clothed, but he was butt ass naked and had me pinned on the floor. It wasn’t until I started crying that he let me leave. So, nothing happened, and I didn’t tell anybody. Now I know I was sexually assaulted, but acts like this were so normalized to me in 2011-2012 that I didn’t report it as anything. Yes, I stopped all communication with this guy after that night, but he didn’t.
July 2017, I started dating a genuinely great guy.
December 2017, my closest friend that I had made in Austin ended our friendship because my mental health was hindering hers. It was heartbreaking, but I understand - now.
2018 - I confronted my stalker twice, and as far as I know, he stopped coming around. I avoid driving near his area though.
July, I went back to therapy and was officially diagnosed with C-PTSD and debilitating anxiety. I started on my journey of recovery and through much research prior to starting therapy and with the new diagnosing added, my application was accepted for a service dog through Service Dog Express. September, I adopted my service dog in Training, Kiba. I’m saving our story for a different post, but Kiba has helped me in so many ways I didn’t even know a dog could do.
2019 - In March, I broke my ankle and now have metal connecting my foot to my ankle. Due to complications while healing, I wasn’t able to start easing pressure back on it until June. I eventually learned to walk again, but may always walk with a slight limp.
I lost count of the day, but that genuine guy and I decided that we just needed to be there for each other as friends.
August, I started seeing a trauma therapist and truly see a difference. I plan on making a new post about my coping and grounding skills and what it’s like living with C-PTSD. This year I was additionally diagnosed with mild OCD (but more the obsessive than compulsive) and I started to understand why I made each bad decision. I am eager to work further on my health and learn more things about myself that may explain past actions. I am eager to be able to recover and heal.
2020 will be my start to recovery.
Biggest goal: Find myself -alone- and advocate for myself.