Quick note: This is a post that I know some of you may not agree with, but this is something that has helped me a ton in my healing journey and that’s the total reason for this blog. I write this public journal in hope that it’ll help others learn and grow from my experiences.
First off lets get something straight - Keeping yourself accountable and placing blame on yourself are two very different things. When you’ve lived through a painful experience such as trauma, it’s easy and common to place yourself in the mindset of the victim. A victim mindset tends to have more self-blame, self-pity, powerlessness, hopelessness, helplessness, and negativity. Taking Accountability is about taking ownership of your trauma. Recognize that trauma is not your fault and make peace with the details surrounding it. Believe that you have the ability to heal, but reaching acceptance is not a linear path. You have to identify your coping strategies. Today we are solely discussing one of my coping strategies - Keeping Yourself Accountable.
Memory Lane
Learn
Reassurance
Moving Forward
This is where I walk myself back through my trauma from the beginning (or as close to the beginning as I can get) and I take note of my actions that led up to the events. You can take a physically written note or a mental note, but it helps me too physically write it down. Example: I am not talking about, “I wore skinny jeans and a slightly see through top.” I am talking about, “I had a bad feeling when we first met, but I just chalked it up too nerves” or “I felt his texts seemed possessive, but maybe he’s just nervous.” The actions I did was ignoring the signs and not listening to my gut. If we continue with this same memory for me then the next example would be, “I met him at his apartment” or “I left my stuff with him when I asked to use the restroom.” It’s all about writing down things you did, so that you can take accountability on how to do them differently.
Next, I take all of the notes and before I read each one of them aloud I labeled them with what I could have done differently -BUT- before I read that aloud I say, “I take accountability for…” Example - I take accountability for ignoring my gut feelings.
Continue saying aloud with what you learned.
Example - I take accountability for ignoring my gut feelings. This taught me to trust myself.
Continue saying aloud with a reassurance statement.
Example - I take accountability for ignoring my gut feelings. This taught me to trust myself. I do not place blame on myself for what has happened, but I will take what has happened as a chance to learn.
Now repeat saying this aloud with everything you noted.
Lastly I read the following statement aloud. “I will transform my trauma by taking responsibility for MY actions moving forward. I cannot control how others react to me. I cannot control what other do, but I can listen to my past and take accountability for MY actions in the future.”
Trauma isn’t your fault, but healing is your responsibility. You are 100% in control over how you hold yourself accountable. Healing is a day by day process and it’s different for everybody. If this isn’t the right strategy for you, simply knowing that about yourself is a step towards healing.