I’ve always been an advocate for Mental Health. I typically use my own experiences as an example to show people that they aren’t alone. An example of this was my Trichotillomania presentation that I share regularly on Social Media and used to take with me to publicly speak on the matter. If you don’t know, Ttichotillomania (aka TTM) is a disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out body hair.
I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Depression, and TTM around the age of 15-16. It was my 10th grade year. Against my friends and family’s liking I spoke very openly about it all on my Social Media. I still do, but I think now, my friends and family are a little more open to it. I believe that sharing is caring. I know the stigmas against talking freely about your disabilities and disorders and I want to break that. So I will continue to share.
A lot of good things happened, like graduating High School and starting University, but I also got myself into a toxic situation that felt suffocating. The toxicity of the situation only grew worse through my first 2 years of university. The friendships I made during this time though are people I am 100% grateful for to this day. They stepped in and finally got me out of the toxicity and I put myself through out patient therapy for a year at the East Central Mental Health clinic. I don’t share when I’m in a dark place, because I come from the most worrisome group of people. The last thing I want to do is worry my loved ones, so my instinct is to burry everything. I always, 100%, put others before myself, and in this case…that almost killed me.
The above paragraph will probably come as a shock to a lot of people. I’m sorry. Also, to answer some questions that may be popping up:
Can you elaborate on this toxic situation/toxicity that you refer to? No. I choose not to for several reasons. The most important reasons being:
There are people involved that have grown from the situation and are bettering themselves (including myself). Please refrain from trying to figure it out. If you are close to me, you more than likely know the situation. Otherwise please let it be.
It happened years ago and is only being talked about today to create a better understanding around my story as a whole.
Why outpatient therapy? Frankly, I was having suicidal thoughts, but was not planning on going through with them. I was still driven when it came to my schooling. Ultimately the decision between inpatient and outpatient is up to your doctor, but in my situation there were people physically there to vouch that they would check in on me, as well as my determination to not let this effect my schooling, so we agreed on outpatient therapy.
The out patient program taught me that it’s ok to be open about what is going on in my life. The next 3 years of University I found my love for advocacy. I was a co-founding officer of S.C.A.D.A. (Students Concerned About Disability Awareness) and I became more involved in groups around campus.
What the out patient program did not teach me was how to deal with my emotions. It taught me how to burry them further by involving myself in more things that make me happy, but that happiness never lasted because I never emotionally dealt with anything. It was all “brushed under the rug.”
On May 6th, 2016 I graduated in honors society. 7 months later I landed an amazing opportunity 800 miles away. It was my new beginning. An escape.